It seems like everything is just starting to hit me now. After being a student for 17 years now, in one more year it'll be all done forever. There have been many changes from 1st grade to my 1st year in grad school. Recess turned into movie night, spelling quizzes turned into midterms, playing with friends turned into hitting bars, cooties turned into sex...but the concept of being a student has always been constant. Suddenly it seems like I'm growing up all at once. Finishing school, starting a real job, getting married, thinking about "5 year plans," starting to worry about whether or not I'll be able to have children in the future...even the thought of dying that much sooner now has me freaking out. Everything's just happening so fast. Is it so childish to say that I'm not ready to grow up quite yet? So many people keep telling me that their 20s were the best, and all I can think of is that I'm already 23, 3 fewer years left in my 20s than before, and it seems like time has decided to kick into overdrive and make them fly by quicker than any other years I've lived.

It's 4:30am, Scott & Jeanette are camping, and instead of sleeping I'm awake, slightly freaking out, thinking that I'm not ready for any of this. Well, that's one way to spend a Saturday night. My parents bad experiences with marriages in the past isn't helping matters, making me nervous that maybe I'm not ready to get married in two years. Don't mistake me, I utterly in love with Scott and I certainly don't want to be without him in life, but the past 2 weeks marriage in my head has equaled kids, fighting, and divorce.Two things I don't want and one that I'm not ready for. I can't buy a house yet, I haven't even finished paying off my first car.

Can I just crawl back under my sheets for a little while and face this another day?

Perhaps back to back episodes of Sex in the City, ungodly sweetened lemonade, and not enough homework over the long weekend has given my mind way too much free time to over think life in all of the ways a girl is not suppose to but does nonetheless.

 crash make-up course:
--------------------------------
*Scott proposed, I said yes, save-the-date for July 2, 2010 (wedding will be in MA)
*i finished my internship in Utah with Hill Air Force Base. it went really well and i'm looking forward to working there for 2 years (at least, maybe longer if everything goes really well)
*1 year left in Iowa
*creating a new wedding website, since the other one wants to charge me $200, and i can do the same stuff on plenty of other websites for free
*Scott and i moved into a new apartment. it's coming along slowly and needed a lot of initial work, but i think once september rolls around it'll be looking really good
*i'm in MA from now until August 19th (leave bright & early that morning, back to school in iowa)
*i'm not the only one living in my room at the moment (it seems like a mouse has made its new home in my room while i was away) ( a problem that will certainly be solved tomorrow if i have a say in it)



a piece of writing
------------------------

I woke up with a bitter and stale taste in my mouth. Things had been stewing for far too long, but I didn't have the desire or conviction to do what is right. I reached my arm into the sky, squeezing my eyes tight, waiting to be rescued. No, demanding to be rescued from the mess I made around myself. Only once did I wonder, who am I to be saved from my self-destruction all over again. Maybe it was in fear of the past repeating itself, of falling within the bottomless pit of darkness that a lack of self-confidence could not save me from this time and I saw that. Or maybe I was being childish. The absence of attention threw me into a tantrum, dismissing the truth and exaggerating the self-created cognition I twisted in my mind. It's hard to say even now, but maybe that's because I'd rather not know the truth. Than I'd have to face it, deal with it, find a way of absorbing it without letting it control me. A difficult task nowadays. I'd rather live in an ignorant bliss. That may just be my downfall one day.

But for today I'm saved, once again. The bitter taste has desisted and I feel just a little more secure. How can I possibly say what I did was wrong when I don't regret it. I'm back where I want to be for the moment. I'm just hoping I wake up tomorrow with a better taste in my mouth.

I have a suspicion that 4th of July this year really will be absolutely amazing and extra special! 

Of course there is always a good chance I'm thinking this because I want to feel this way. Maybe I'm reading far too much into something but I heard something through the grape vine (& did a little research of my own) and now I'm nervous, excited, utterly happy, and so hopeful!

(now all I have to hope is that I don't get disappointed if the holiday comes and goes w/o it happening!)

It's so hard to believe so much has happened since last May. Graduated with B.A. from American University and left D.C. , moved out to Iowa, met Scott and we've been together for 9 months, took my first real roadtrip, participated in 2 research conferences, won a research grant, built and competed a mini-sumo robot, completed half of my master's degree, and today I just arrived in Utah. I start my internship at Hill Air Force Base on monday. 

EXCITING NEWS!!! Because of all my work this semester with my research advisor, I've been put in charge of running his lab next year. I've gotten a hang of the equipment pretty well, get to create my own experiments, proved I'm able to win grants, and hopefully all will go well next semester.

The Not So Exciting News-even with all of these good pieces of news, this spring semester was actually extremely difficult. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyrioditis about 5 months ago, but experienced really bad symptoms 2 months prior to that. The whole thing has meant bloodtests done every 2 months for my TSH levels, 3 different doses of prescriptions...and well lots of other symptoms, some of which are going to take a few months to recover from. The majority are under control, but it means medication every day for the rest of my life.

Anyways, right now I'm enjoying the luxury of my own extended stay hotel suite, with a day of rest tomorrow. I'm here until August 1st, with 1 trip planned to go back to Iowa for a weekend for Scott's brother's wedding. I can't remember I spent that much time alone without any friends or family near by, so needless to say for 11 weeks I'm going to be missing Scott dearly. That and usually in May I'm used to going back to MA, so it feels a little strange to not be home with family and seeing friends soon. Good news about that though-I'll be in MA for at least 2 weeks in August, pretty much right after I'm done in Utah.

 It's hard to believe it's spring break all over again. My mind has been wandering back to last year so frequently lately. So much has changed in 1 year. Life feels very surreal at the moment. First year of grad school is almost over. I've just started to get used to living in Iowa. Summer in Utah. One more year in Iowa. Then I'm done with my master's degree and off to live/work in Utah for 2 years starting May 2010.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have a solid job and plan for the next couple of years. However there's no flexibility to change things now that another priorities have entered my life. Good news though out of the last few months that have been so rough, Scott is coming to Utah with me after graduation! We have already leased an apartment together for next year, and once we both graduation we've decided to brave Utah together, which is more than I could have ask for. I couldn't be happier.

 good news! good news!
:-)

addressing a few things first
--------------------------------------
1) gas prices are now $2.16 for premium, and $2.09 for regular unleaded...and i only hope they level off and don't increase in the next 2 months (maybe wishful thinking, but i can cross my fingers and hope!)
2) i'm slowly doing such a better job at relaxing (not perfectly, but today was good practice. very busy, but i managed to keep my cool pretty well, which i haven't been so good at the last few weeks)
3) this weekend i'll have more free time to catch up with people (more than a simple facebook message) so i will do my best!
4) i'm really really really really looking forward to winter break already (but will have to settle for thanksgiving break in 2 1/2 weeks)

now onto good news!
my current physics professor this semester offered me a research assistant position for the next 2 semesters.

*pros*
--------
*it'll count as 3 credits a semester, which means i don't have to take some stupid elective i don't want to and it'll keep me full-time
*1 less midterm and final next semester!! yay!
*i'll be trained on how to use some pretty cool equipment
*there's a pretty good chance i'll get to be published(not guaranteed but a really good chance he said)
*the professor is a pretty cool guy. smart and expects a lot from his students, but he's really flexible and easy going that he makes me want to try harder and do well in his class...so working with him would be pretty cool
*there's a chance i could go to a conference or two, and possibly even present (which would not only look amazing on a resume, but it'd be great practice and help build network-connections)

really though i feel honored that he asked me if i was interested in being his assistant. there are quite a few other grad students in his current class, and quite a few undergrads that have had researching experience,  and i'm sure he had a few people in mind to ask, but still...the fact that he thought highly enough of me to ask if i was interested in being his assistant is awesome and makes me really happy.

i'll get to check out the lab on friday, where his current assistant (who's leaving at the end of semester) will be working. he said it'll take a few lab sessions for me to be trained in the equipment, and probably half of the semester to become proficient in the microscope i'll be using. oh i guess i never really explained what it is i'll be doing. he wants me to measure and analyze material using an atomic force microscope (afm). he's using nanotechnology to create and find materials that can be used for environmentally-friendly alternative energy resources, so i'll get to be studying solar cells and things of that nature, which is really cool! we were actually just learning about how solar cells are designed and function last class, so being able to work hands on with them would be sweet!

needless to say i'm really excited about it!!!!
he did admit that the work can be tedious at times, and apparently setting up the equipment alone takes 1/2 hour just to use it, so i'd be working on this 8-10 hours a week, which is more of a time commitment than my other courses right now, but it'll definitely be a nice change to a) be working/studying something i'm actually interested in directly and b) i can see the direct benefits upfront about how it'll progress my degree and my career.

lately whenever i start writing...no matter the time or my mood...i can't seem to finish.
i don't know why.

things have felt strange lately. kind of like i've been wandering around completely oblivious to the world around me. i can't remember the last time i picked up a paper or watched news on tv. it's been 2 months or so. i haven't written a single email to anyone in d.c. there are very few people i talk to on a weekly, or even monthly basis. besides a few scattered friends that i'm able to catch up with every couple/few weeks, the only person really in my life is scott. i was starting to become a little closer to 2 of his friends, but there's a long story behind one girl and two months, and the end result is that i really don't think i have a desire to be more than casual friends with her at the most.

i've been so consumed with my studies and trying to find a way to survive grad school that i'm only now starting to notice how so much of life and the world around me has just been passing me by without me even realizing it. this past week i've only started paying attention to gas prices decreasing drastically. when i participated in the breast cancer walk sunday october 12th (i only remember because i had to fill up the tank that morning to drive an hour and a half to get there) i paid $2.71 for premium. today at the same gas station the price is $2.29.

honestly school's not quite as enjoyable as i thought it would be. i'm tired, all of the time. i haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in over 3 weeks. i've had quite a few mental breakdowns in the past month. every other week there is a major test or project for one class and then another, along with the usual homework, which that alone is starting to become unbearable. only last week have i been making a serious effort to hit the gym and workout. i just haven't had much time, and when i do have a free hour i'm so tired, physically exhausted, and usually hungry.

don't get me wrong a lot of good things have happened since i moved here. i eat pretty normally. i've slowly been changing how i think about things. i'm slowly building up my self-confidence and self-esteem. and most of all i've found an amazing person who i can only hope stays a part of my life forever. he already asked me to marry him. i told him not yet, one day. i also told him that he better have a ring the next time he proposes to me. of course then he smiled and said by christmas. half of me seriously hopes he's joking...but the other half of me is quite fond of the idea. i really do love him. it's been one of those hopelessly romantic love at first sight relationships.
if i'm able to keep my wits about me i'll wait until graduation before becoming engaged.
for the moment i still need to figure out a way to tell my parents that we moved in together without them becoming overly concerned.

 Life in Iowa is good. Stressful the past two weeks, but overall pretty good.
I took my first grad test this week, and got a B (brings down my 95 average, but whatever, it was my first here). Classes are starting to catch up to me a little more, and being sick a week ago made it really difficult to do projects, but I'm feeling better now and thankfully no longer behind in anything. I had my first GSAB (Graduate Student Advisory Board) meeting this week, and so far I've learned a) being part of this "board" puts pressure under me to participate in events (some of which I don't care) with other grad students and b) apparently this group I was nominated to be a part of isn't even legit or officially recognized by campus activities yet and they want the 25 of us board members to make this group official (what the hell?...not something I was informed of when I agreed to this). This past month has simply been crazy and filled with so much. I've elected to do researching next fall with a professor, in hopes that I can be formally published in the physics world. Also in the planning of my entire M.A. degree, I might have been able to convince people that my internship in Utah with the SMART scholarship can count towards my degree, which would leave me more time to research and take other fascinating courses next year to fill my time until Spring 2010.

Exciting news for those who don't know, I bought my first car last weekend! It's a very good used white 2006 Chevy Cobalt with hardly any miles on it, and it's very pretty! It runs so smooth, and I love having my own car. I hate gas prices already (like everyone else who has been dealing with this for the past few years), but I'm looking forward to driving it back to Mass for Christmas. In other good news, things with Scott and I are going really well, it's truly unbelievable. It sounds absolutely crazy but it's truly been one of those love at first sight relationships. It started off with some of the worst aspects imaginable (some of which shouldn't be bought up until 6-48 months in a relationship, and other things that should never ideally be in a relationship), which has made this past month very, very long, but because of that I feel like this is a relationship that's going to last. I certainly wasn't planning to be in another serious relationship so soon, but it's amazing, and I feel like it's everything a relationship should be. We don't fight, only cute arguments with him telling me to decide where to eat, and me telling him it's his turn to pick the movie. I'm in a very cutesy relationship that would be probably be sickening to many people (including myself at times, but I love it!). He's so sweet to me, I feel like I don't even deserve it some days. He calls me pretty and reminds me that I'm beautiful every single day just so I won't forget it. And what's more is that his friends are so nice. I've been hanging out with one of them, Shannon, quite a bit the past 2-3 weeks, and I love it. It's nice to have someone to spend girl time with, and double dates with her fiance are fun! Speaking of which I volunteered to host dinner at my apartment this Monday, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I feel like I'm fitting right into place here. I have an amazing relationship, I'm starting to make friends, I feel like I'm getting to know the people in the physics department better slowly, and I'm slowly starting to feel better about myself. I'm eating much more regular than I have in the past 4 years. Every week I go see Jennifer for therapy and it's been going very well. And I now see the nutritionist Joan every other week, which also has always been going really well. Honestly it's been a struggle the past 2 weeks with all of it, but I'm told I'm improving a lot, and I feel like I have been slowly. It's impossible to change a mindset that's been in place for quite a few years overnight, but slowly it's been getting better.

Two other quick things. I just the movie Wall-E last week and it was the cutest!! I definitely recommend it! And I recently found out last week that the entire area for quite a few miles is all built on top of limestone, which apparently is the cause for a large amount of calcium in the water. I haven't been able to drink tap water that much since I've been here since it has tasted so funny and gross to me but I couldn't figure out why. Then my coffee machine was messing up and getting clogged, and I couldn't figure out that either. It was like I never had made coffee in my life. Two classmates of Scott's told me about the limestone and calcium in the water, and then my physics professor who's lived here for 3 years told me that he's been through 6 coffee machines since he's been here because the calcium builds up in the coffee makers and breaks them. Part of me was relieved that I wasn't going crazy because I didn't understand what was wrong, but the other part of me realizes that I have to live with this for the next 2 years and that doesn't make me so happy. And apparently filters don't block calcium, only minerals like lead.

 when did following into the norms of what is socially acceptable become such a strong desire? like it is a decision of "right or wrong"...even though neither option is right or wrong. but in fear of being dare i say "wrong" we maintain the status quo for the moment, until it's the "right time" to do otherwise, a concept deemed and defined by the society we live in.
but how do you know when it's "the right time?" what if it seems like there never is one? maybe no time is ever the right time, and no time is ever going to appear better than another time to make that decision. the only thing that you do know is that you can't put it off forever because then nothing would ever change, progress would never be made.

but is there a such thing as too much progress? too much change in too little time? what does society say about that?

 i'm not used to it...not yet at least...but i feel like this is how things are suppose to feel. far from perfect, but so good that perfection is overrated and not wanted anyways. it's funny how a thousand miles between worlds can feel like so much more right now. my only connection is the internet and cellphone. without either of those right now, i'm for the most part so absorbed into creating a life here that my mind forgets where i recently was. but maybe that's good, considering where i was mentally for the past few months is not a place i want to return to. is it that which makes me throw myself completely head first right now? who knows. perhaps

the countdown for a car has been on my mind for the past few days. two more weeks. classes aren't difficult at the moment so i feel like i'm barely a student, nonetheless a grad student. i started my first tutoring session today for 2 hours...no one showed up. my 2nd is tomorrow. i get the impression that students will show right before big assignments and exams, otherwise i can't say i'd be surprised if the next week is pretty slow. i still get paid though, and tomorrow i'll just bring something to keep me busy. today i was informed by the head of my department that i was nominated and appointed part of the graduate advisory board representing the physics department...news to me. meetings are only once a month though and it'll give me a chance to mix and mingle with other grad students i suppose so i pretty much said sure, why not? besides hanging out with a couple of scott's friends i haven't made any of my own yet. honestly it doesn't bother me that much because a) it's only the 2nd week of school, it's not like i've been here for a few months without other friends and b) even if i don't talk to them on a daily basis i have close friends back in mass, dc, and scattered a bit that i don't feel like i "need" to make new friends to hang out with. i'm not  a freshman in college, so i'm not really looking for a whole new circle of friends, and i honestly imagine i won't get a new circle anyways until i start my job in two years in utah, and that's fine with me.

otherwise other things are going pretty well. i went to the school counseling center for the 2nd time since i've been here and well...it went pretty well, so i'm going to do it on a weekly basis with the same women. she's still recommending i see basically a nutritionist as well (well she's similar to that), and i will because at this point it can't really hurt. it's a much better experience than the last time and something tells me that this woman will be able to help me work on a few things. oh, and exciting news, scott and i are going to the first uni football game of the season, which should be fun because i've only ever been to one other college football game in my entire college-life. for the most part sports at american university weren't that great to begin with so there wasn't much of an incentive to go, and i only went to probably a total of 2-3 games of anything throughout 4 years there. i'm hoping my bed will arrive really soon because my back is starting to dislike the air mattress. my last box finally came in yesterday, so technically i'm "all moved-in" although i'm still lacking a futon/couch and real bed. i just discovered today that i don't have any draw to put silverware in...how strange is that?!? there's always a draw near the sink that pulls out...but no, i don't have one so i'm not sure what i'm going to do about that yet (the box that came in had my silverware, so this wasn't something on my mind before). oh and the weather here the last few days has been extremely hot and humid...but it looks like rain tomorrow or the next day so a cool week would be very refreshing right now.

It's been a week and a half since I've been in Iowa, but it feels much longer. Not in a bad way mind you, I just simply compare it to a week or two at home this past summer, and well...it's been much more eventful. My first week of grad classes have been fine, although by no means academically do I feel like a grad student yet. (Socially on the other hand I do.) This semester I'm taking:

T Th 3:30-4:45pm   Applied Statistical Methods 3 credits
T Th 9-11:50am    Intro Electronics I 4 credits
MWF 12-12:50pm  C/C++ Programming
M 5-5:50pm  Professional Science Master's Seminar

My courses at UNI are overall much shorter than at AU, except my physics one because it includes lab twice a week. I haven't taken a 50 minute course since, what, middle school? So that's kind of different.

Other than that, my apartment is nice. I love having my own space that I don't need to share with someone else! It's not that big, but it's only me so it's perfect. I spent way too much money buying things for it though. In return I have a nice flat screen tv and dvd player set up in the living room, and a brand new full size bed that's own it's way (in the mean time I've been sleeping on an air mattress, but it's not really that bad). Socially the only friend I really have so far is my boyfriend Scott, which for the moment is okay. I talk to other people 3 out of 4 of my classes, so it could be worse. Oh yeah, for those who were wondering and didn't know before, I have decided to make it an exclusive relationship with Scott. We've hung out every day since I've been here, and I've really enjoyed being around him. I've already met his family (twice actually, long story), who I love (and apparently his mother thinks I'm cute), and his friends are really nice (the only problem so far is his ex-girlfriend, but that also is a long story). I realize to many it sounds like things are going a little fast in that department, which I won't argue that the week was unexpected and unplanned in so many ways, but there's really good chemistry between us that I'm not going to let an opportunity pass me by.

It's still going to take some time to get used to everything, but oddly enough I don't feel so out of place at the moment, especially considering the circumstances that I'm a new student who doesn't know many people here and has never traveled much less lived in the midwest before. In fact not only do I not feel out of place, I feel happy. A little overwhelmed still, but mostly just happy. Everything is still new and exciting, but I feel like I could get used to all of this.

There are a ton of other things I want to share, but for now this will do.

It's an amazing feeling, a sense of belonging when you don't quite belong.

it's been a strange day. it started off nerve-wrecked from packing and thinking about the move, the afternoon and evening turned into debate time (with different people at various times mind you) on morals & ethics of dating more than one person at once, i was left confused after dinner, found myself with insecurities by nightfall, and was then swept off my feet only mere hours ago with nothing more than a short conversation. then after soaking up a blissful hour of imaging my idea of perfection that don't currently exist in my life, i found myself checking back into reality, with the thought of another guy on my mind.


i of course already over analyzed all of this way too much today...to the point where i was willing to make a preference before even getting to iowa. so i'm doing exactly the opposite of what i think i should do, and i'm listening solely to the advice of those who have proven themselves far wiser than i in recent past experiences involving guys. the advice is that within a week or two i should be able to make up my mind, because apparently i'll "just know"
again, this time i'm not questioning the advice (because that was a disaster last time and i learned the hard way, and i'd rather not do that again so soon), and i am just following. i'll let you know how the dates go (how iowa guys treat a lady)! [part of me feels like a book should be made out of this...and another part thinks there probably are already a few out there, and i just created my own experience]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

anyways i leave, well technically later today, in the late afternoon for iowa! i'm nervous & excited at the same time, and if i can somehow manage to keep my composure for the next few days i'll be impressed. the last time i was there i was stealing internet, so for now i'm going to assume that i'll be without for the next few days for the most part (i'm sure i'll make it to campus once a day or every other day to check my email) so if you want to reach me call! (avoid texting because my phone is the only thing i don't pay for so i would rather not continue to charge my parents an arm & leg for texts because i don't have an unlimited texting plan and i already make it a bad habit as it is!!!)

#8--A little bit of flirtation is necessary on both ends. If you aren't going to flirt a little, then maybe dating isn't right for you....and you should find yourself a husband/wife and skip the entire social process. Note: I like to flirt! Always have, and probably always will! ;)

#9--Hours of flirting (3 or more hrs or 3 back/forth emails) that isn't backed by some action (action defined as exchange of aim/msn/any messanger, phone number or direct date invitation) is questionable at best. If a guy is willing to flirt, im, email for hours, but isn't willing to go out on a date (on a dating website), you have a problem! (Solution: Click delete and move on to next potential date email.)

#10--At some point you just have to take a risk. You have to exchange a phone number AND/OR you have to go out on a date, it's a simply as that.   WHY? 1) you joined the website to date, so hence if you aren't going to date, leave the website and premise immediately. 2) you don't know for a fact what's going to happen until you meet him in real life and 3)because that's the way the game works. There's no right signal about when to take a risk, who to share more personal info with, who to meet up with, and whether any of it is going to be worth it. You don't know. The best you can do is make education decisions: decide to meet somewhere public, not be so naive to assume that everything the person said is true (even though we hope it is), and do only what you feel comfortable with (meaning that if you walk into a place and you get a really bad feeling, just walk away immediately and leave. or if you meet a person and they're not what you expected and things aren't going well, excuse yourself and leave, simple as that, there's no obligation whatever to stay [but please make sure you pay your part of the bill if there was one!!!!!]).


#11--AND MOST IMPORTANT (which is my current crisis, so after I thought for a moment, this proved needed, although maybe obvious to those on the side reading, not so obvious when you're playing the game)...If flirtation has taken wing, a future date has been established, and much more flirtation and talk occurs before this future date that leads one to wonder if a moment if this is Mr. Right...REMEMBER RULE #1!!! Until numerous dates, sex, and/or wedding ring IT IS NOT SERIOUS! Until there is a crystal clear conversation that makes the dating between you and this one person exclusive, then it is not, and you are only dating, nothing more until that conversation (or a proposal, which would be scary and I advise run) is had! There is no such thing as implicating or assuming you are boyfriend/girlfriend!!! This is very important (and you'd be surprised how easily it can be forgotten when someone is sweeping you off your feet). This means that until you are in an exclusive relationship there is absolutely no harm in dating other people. Hence why this is called dating. There's no commitment, no strings attached, no ties, and no obligations in dating. IF (big if) it appears that a dating relationship is heading in this direction (and by heading I mean it's already at that point, not just starting on the first), then have the conversation (no matter how awkward, because what would be more awkward would be introducing as your boyfriend/girlfriend and they look at you and say "no I'm not"...that is awkward).


*UP-DATE*
---------------
I leave for Iowa on Wednesday. My plane leaves around 6ish, but I'll have to leave Plymouth a few hours early to make it into the city on time and to the airport (since I'm using public transportation). Everything getting shipped will be done on Tuesday, and that will probably take quite a few hours since I won't have a chance to buy the boxes until Tuesday, and then I need to pack and ship! Anyone I got a chance to see over the summer, it was fun! There wasn't that many times, but every time I saw someone I really did like it afterwards, Now it's time to make some new friends, new advantages--that hopefully don't consist anymore of online dating--by the way for anyone who's interested to know, I did meet someone online who I've chatted for hours on end already and we plan on hooking up when I get to Iowa. We'll see where it goes, it's a risk and a chance I just have to take. And for those who want some weird irony at all of this, he's a computer science major...go figure--apparently dating two computer science geeks in the past means I attract lots of them now?!? ...there's that possibility. By the way his name is Scott Smart

#5--Serious conversations when you first meet someone are overrated and a typical "first introduction conversation" become mundane after a week. A guy who by-pass this typical conversation and make a friendly "hi" lighthearted and easy-going, and then a moment you realize you've been talking for over an hour, is definitely worth another day.

#6--If after going through numerous guys that seem "eh" and then suddenly out of the blue someone new manages to make you laugh so hard for a 1/2 hour straight (to the point where someone in the next room notices)...there just might be something there worth pursuing.

#7--A guy who does his research on a girl and then surprises her out of the blue with a small gesture is a guy who's proven that he's smart, interested, & bold....& if he's kind he deserves a chance.


SIDE NOTE
----------------
I have decided that I am going to buy a Toyota Yaris once I get to Iowa!!!
(This of course is under the assumption that once my money for the month comes in I'm able to afford the initial financial burdens--which seemed fine at first but is looking iffy now since I still don't have that money yet. Worse case scenario I'll have to wait until the end of September to buy it. But unless something major happens between then and now I'll have a car in at least a month and a half!!! I'm so excited!)

#3--Sometimes conversations need to be cut short before they even begin...or if already an hour into but pretty bored and clearly not interested it's better to just cut loses and move on to someone else.

As far as I see it, the last relationship I was in I only really dated for a week and then knew I wanted to be with that person in a serious relationship. I knew that before the week was up, I just wanted to make sure the feeling was mutual. So as far as I see it, if after talking to someone online for 3-4 hours (over the span of 2-3 days), if there isn't a very peaked interest still and I'm already slightly bored with the person (even just a little) it probably isn't worth pursuing further.

#4--If I find myself censoring more than once (and I mean beyond merely not getting too detailed with personal subjects, I mean regarding simple things, like hobbies or likes/dislikes) than there's a problem, and further conversations should probably cease.


Up-Date So Far
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After pushing aside quite a few ims, interests, and emails from people that are too old for me (in my opinion) or simply not a good match, there have been about 5 people I've talked to more than twice via email and im (with the average conversation lasting about 1.5 hours). Needless to say I'm wondering if I went about this a little too gungho about this because I've spent quite a few hours on this website these past 2 days (way too many hours, clearly showing to some that I have no life at home...which is not exactly the impression I want to give, but honestly until school starts and I'm in Iowa I really don't have much of a life.) Interesting news though, I found out last night that one of my close friends is apparently on the same website, which surprised me, and I'm now in the process of trying to convince a different friend to sign up.

At the moment I'll see where it goes with these guys for another week or two, and then hopefully if I'm still talking to one or more of them I'll actually be able to have a real date. (Although the concern with that is that some of these people are a little away from my school area, and without a car, and without knowledge of the state at all that could prove to be a little difficult in my opinion.) All of that is a big if at this moment though, so a thought to concern myself with later I suppose and not so much now. (Although it does beg to question, why take so much time getting to know someone when the intention behind is dating, if dating that person is going to prove to be difficult in the future because of location?!?)

If I'm going to do this, then I should at least a) have fun, b) do it right, and c) share info with friends who are free to comment (b/c if I'm not willing to share who I'm dating with my friends then there's a problem b/c it means I'm hiding something....and considering I've dated an e-addict, guy who was 30, and a few sketchy other people in the past I don't want to make the same mistake twice!)


I decided this fun should follow a few guidelines to help, for instance...
#1--Not to limit to the 1st person I meet, because until it involves numerous dates (certainly more than 3), sex, or a wedding ring on my finger it's not that serious yet
#2--Honesty up front is key! (Not that it means I have to lay out deep, dark secrets, but I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not just for a date, and I want someone to feel comfortable being himself around me or else he isn't the guy for me.)

Life seems to be coming at me so fast now, I feel like quite a lot has happened in the past two weeks.

For those who don't know already my trip to California went really well. Nerve-wrecking to meet so many people, so many awkward introduction conversations, too much socializing, and lots of time listening to people in charge define their positions with the company, pretty much justifying why they jobs. Overall though it got me a little out of my comfort zone and I met a ton of interesting people, some that I'll actually me working with next summer. I got to spend some time out in the sun (got badly burned too, but I'm starting to feel a little better from that) and see a small part of California that was simply beautiful! I treated it like a vacation and it turned out to be a good one! (Although flying coach directly from L.A. to Boston from 10pm-6:30am sucks!!! I don't recommend it!)


And in general I was feeling pretty happy until this morning. Last night out with old friends was really fun and something I haven't done in a while. However I didn't get more than 4.5 hours of sleep last night, and spent the entire morning anxious about this "doctor appointment." Now bear with me when I tell you that I kept an open mind going and was feeling generally prepared to talk and listen and hopefully hear some advice that I could use. The entire thing turned out to be an ABSOLUTE DISASTER!!!! I left her office feeling like I was crazy, that I had some psychotic problem, that maybe I do need medication, and worse I started to question the worst things possible....to the point where I almost made a couple of phone calls that I would have regretted. I spent like 2 hours afterwards when I got home crying my eyes out thinking that maybe I was a wreck. It was horrible. I'm sorry, but psychiatrist and therapist are suppose to make you leave feeling like it was good like something small at the least was accomplished and that nothing's wrong with getting help when you need it. Nobody should ever leave an appointment feeling that they are worse off before it started, and that they have nothing to feel good about because they have all of these "problems" that need to be "worked with."  I don't think the entire thing would have bothered me as much if it wasn't my primary physician that I've had and has known me for the past 3 years (and has known Sharon for over 7 years) that recommended me to see her. Long story short she diagnosed me with major anxiety issues and underlining depression.

BULLSHIT! I had a mental breakdown in her office, that I was not prepared for, and found it hard to get my words out because I'm not used to talking therapists. But believe me I know what's wrong with me, and I can assure you I don't have anxiety issues. Am I a bit nervous to meet new people? Of course, most people are! Like in California. But that didn't stop me! And I had a good time. I'm sorry, but anyone who knows me should know that once I feel a little comfortable I can be a social butterfly. I stand up for what I believe even when others disagree, I can give presentations fine, and usually I'm quite blunt about how I feel about something. Those are not characteristics of people with anxiety. Sure my confidence hasn't been the best lately and I've been having a rough couple of months, but seriously?!? That's the best she could come up with?!? Oh and did I tell mention that she asked numerous times (because my first answer of No! wasn't enough to convince her) if I feel like I could kill myself right now...AANNNDDD kept pressuring me to consider medication even though I made it perfectly clear to her that I don't need nor want pills to solve my problems. OMG!!!! I tried to explain to her that even if I was feeling suicidal, which I'm clearly not, she would not be first on my list of people to go to. When she didn't like that answer she decided to give me her card. God, I felt like I needed therapy after going to her. All I was looking for was better ways to help manage stress before I let things build up and get too stressed out....really, that's all. After explaining my oh so wonderful morning to Sharon (which she became pissed about, taking away the business card from me with intentions I think to speak her mind to a couple people about this appointment I had), I decided a good small homemade sub, a slurpee from 7-Eleven, and some blueberries were in order and made a perfect meal to go with a not-so-perfect morning. Oh, and if I ever decide to take someone's advice and see a therapist again I'm bringing along my own notebook and preliminary questionnaire sheet that must meet my expectations before they're allowed to ask me any questions. Ohhhh that could be fun! :)

Question 1: Do you interrogate your patients as if they're applying for a C.I.A. job?
Question 2: Is no just not a good enough for you?
Question 3: How many patients would you say you medicate overall? More than 85% you say?!? Do you get a promotion if you reach 90%?
Question 4: How many tissues must a patient go through, in your opinion, to make this appointment a success?
Question 5: If everything is going to be blamed on parents in the end is it possible to just skip past childhood questions and direct more attention to the present?

It could be a thesis! Well...maybe for someone else...I think I'll just stick to physics and international relations!


OHHHHHH!!!! AND I'M ALMOST FORGOT TO SHARE THE BEST AND MOST EXCITING NEWS OF ALL!!!
I have decided to re-enter the dating world, and I bet you one week from today I will already have at least 4 potential candidates lined up, talked to, and interested in me! Cocky you say?!? No! I have a plan! And this is now my new project. And more so, I'm actually very excited about this!!! Why you may ask? Well I'll tell you! (Yes, I'm having too much fun with this!)  Because at the very worst I will have spent a few hours talking to people that could potential be new friends, and at the best I'll have met a nice guy who I'll be dating still a couple months from now. Either way this is hardly a lose situation for me. Seriously, what better way to feel more confident about myself, expand my social networks, force me to step more outside my comfort zone and get out into the world a little more, and to possibly make new friends?!? Even if a date with one guy goes bad, there are plenty of people in the world to meet, and I'm too much of an outgoing person to actually die-alone with a sad story of a miserable and bitter life!

So in a week time I will let you know how my plan is fairing out! (And plus what's the worst that could happen? I become a silly girl for a week or two who just has fun even if I meet no one I actually like?!? Exactly!!!)

I spent the late hours last night trying to put together the best outfits for this trip. Everyone keeps telling me to just have fun, look at it like a vacation and enjoy it...however I'm still pretty nervous. Getting an orientation agenda in an email earlier in the week did help a little though. I just hate being unprepared, especially if someone is expecting something of me and I'm caught off guard, which is what I've been so nervous of, afraid that I would have to prove something and not being able to do so. Silly I know, I'm working on it.

I haven't packed yet because I didn't want to check luggage, but it appears as though I am. The good news about this trip is that I'll have my own room, 6 of the meals between Monday and Wednesday will be provided, and the agenda appears to be well-organized time-wise (which is really good for me because I hate going to social events with too much free time in between doing nothing, even if I know people. If there's that much free time I would rather just be let out earlier and have everything else jammed packed together.) I guess I'm also just a little anxious because I won't know anyone there, and lately I haven't been very social or spunky  and I really don't want to spend the majority of my time during this trip feeling uncomfortable around people.

::Sigh::

Who knows? Anything can happen right? Maybe going to California won't be so bad after all.
I can only hope and see what happens.